15/07/2015

Chronicle of an unshure morning

[because simplicity is a long journey and there are too many feelings]






vaguely hear my name Cristiana and wake up. SLEEPY. 
hear P going downstairs. DOZY. Stretch my arm to the nightstand, grab the iPad. check work mail, Pinterest, gmail, blogger ...LATE. (why did I felt the need to check them first thing in the morning?) ANXIETY, FRUSTRATION.
P is done with his breakfast, I eat alone. QUIET.
I come upstairs. try awake JP with cuddles. he smiles. HAPPINESS. EMPATHY.
take a bath and bath JP. SMELL. FRESH. DUTY.
the clock is telling me I'm late. HURRY. pour lotion in my dress. CHANGE. P asks if I'm ready. FLOP.
he says nothing, but I know he's upset. Drive in silence. HOPE. will this day straighten out?
P leaves the car for work a few minutes before half-past eight. RELIEF.
a few meters and minutes later, JP's day care. Last preparations, comb, and moisturize. Don't have water on the improvised car care station. the serum I have been using instead only has a few drops. I squelch it the better I can. Motherhood FAILURE a bit. JP doesn't care. a bit of RELIEF.
take him to daycare. two kisses and two hugs. AFFECTION. ENDEARMENT. he wants more and more. BITTERSWEET. I want to hold the moment, but I must leave.
the first chunk of the day is done. WEARINESS.
drive to work. park. is it well parked? DOUBT. enter the building, my finger on the machine. I do not exist, it tells me. RESILIENCE. It recognizes me on the fourth attempt. Two minutes past nine. not bad. LUCKY. 
office. AIRLESS, STUFFY.
open the windows. fresh air. BREATHE.
start my work morning routine: inbox, Evernote, PLAN.
need coffee before I start tackling my plan. corridors, good morning, bar, a coffee please, drink. SAVORY. GALVANISE.
return to my tasks. OVERWHELM. Will I manage to tackle all my plan? STOP. START. GO. DO. Feelings always get easier when you're doing. 

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